someone's "sanity"

"Look again at that dot. That's here. That's home. That's us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives... on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.

Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the Universe:, are challenged by this point of pale light. Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity, in all this vastness, there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves.

The Earth is the only world known so far to harbor life. There is nowhere else, at least in the near future, to which our species could migrate. Visit, yes. Settle, not yet. Like it or not, for the moment the Earth is where we make our stand.

There is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world. To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another, and to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we've ever known."
-Carl Sagan


You're right.
In 10,000 years there will be no consciousness left of who Brittany Bailey ever was on earth. People will walk around completely absorbed in their own tiniest troubles more than they care about my most drilling passions.
In fact, forget the time gap:
There are more people alive today who are unaware of me than those who are. But if we're grading on the rubric according to who cares about such things... If that gives us our worth...
[then the only people who matter, are the people who matter.]
I care. And I love. That's proof enough to me that life matters. That what I do matters.
And those people 100 centuries from now, living out their lives in a context I can't imagine, even THEY will be affected by my existence, whether or not it ever occurs to them that they are made of what I cared about, who I loved, and what I did with it all.
As I am made of "my story" and "my people/contributors", so others will be made of "me" and "their stories" and "their people".
I might shatter a world with the farthest, most faded ripple of my influence. I can create an influence so strong that I will never die. Light fires in people that move across and down generations until there is an element of me in them that helps them withstand any situation.
Never knowing that I gave it to them.
Just as I don't know all the sources of my own fire, heart, and mind.

Clayton,
I want you to
[LOVE][FEEL][and CARE]
about this world.
This is the only one you can ever have any notion of. The only real one, the only one that you can relate to on a personal, human level. This is the only world you have any potential in and the only one you can ever give potential to. Understand that you are the center of some ripple whose rings stretch so distantly you will never even be aware of your own influence in its full vastness. Understand this: YOU ARE EXPONENTIALLY IMPORTANT.
Do you understand?
Let me show you...

invincibility

Hayden and me. We were feeling invincible just because we left campus in blazers, home-made tees, and some ridiculous glasses. After we put these on, anything we felt like doing would be considered "normal and acceptable" for a person dressed "like that". Who knows what we're capable of, if such bold attire...? No one, not even us. All we know is that when we do something bizarre and dangerous, we will be fine.

Edward-theory end.

I hate for this to be the topic to follow the last one, but it's Edward.
He likes classical music.

This is the end of Edward-theory. I revealed him to himself and let him know that he looks like Rob Pattinson. We had dinner and talked for 2 hours; it was bound to come up... So at any rate, he has ceased to be so much of a mysterious curiosity and more of a real person, but that is more valuable anyway...

Adieu, conspiracy, adieu.

The FEELING is back.

so it started like this

i was sitting in institute. listening.

and i felt in me an urge to hug someone.

my insides were urging me to do that

but my insides always ask me to do things

"strange things"

so I put this idea in the pocket with those ideas

to be considered later

but the pocket never gets emptied

i didn't even realize that i was banishing every lovely notion that crossed over me

UNTIL

a guy from institute thought i looked sad or something i guess (i think because i didn't sleep much last night...studying) and he asked me via text if i was ok and everything

but when everyone was mingling after institute he just came up to me and gave me a spontaneous bear, soul-purging hug

so this hug pretty much earned the release of one of the "nudgings" i put away and suppressed.

and i remembered the feeling

that comes with release

and inside me all the walls came down

it's weird that I didn't even realize that i hadn't felt close to myself for like 2 months

for the first time, in college, in this somewhat displaced atmosphere of always doing, always rushing, always new...

i came out of it all.

and i feel like i can never be lost again.

and i don't care about the "sanity of my classmates" anymore. there's no more "that's too over-the-top for these people, brittany, cool it"

that's rubbish- their sanity.

And I love them, them and their rubbish, if they must have it

but now i want for them to have THIS

THIS:

a sort of abandonment

not mine, necessarily. but their own.

as long as unpolluted love is incorporated, i think that's the only general rule

And that's all.

I became a slave to my HEART again.

When reckless adventure and unpolluted love merge. I feel like opening my arms wide, to show the world my wingspan and feel the world replying to me: "The world is infinite, as long as you can hold onto this feeling." All I am is what I feel, and tonight... I feel exquisite.

look at what i stumble[d]upon[.com].

Edward Update.

Yesterday Edward came to sit with me and Chris again. Well, actually he came over to us, set his drink down and walked away--presumably to go grab the rest of his stuff. Only... He never came back. Chris and I just sat wondering what had happened to him. When we decided he wasn't coming back, I decided to confide Clayton's secret to Chris.

me: Do you know anything about the Twilight movie?
Chris: Um, a little. Like what?
me: Do you know what the main guy looks like?
Chris: Oh, yeah.
me: Do you see the resemblance between Clayton and that guy?
Chris: Haha, yeah. He hears that all the time. He says he hates it.
me: ... Glad I talked to you about this before I talked to him.

So I think. It's feasible that he did in fact know the entire time what I was thinking. And possibly playing it up a little on purpose. It's the only logical explanation I can come up with. Anyway, now that I know. I can play mind games too.
Any ideas on acting Bella-esque?
The only possible downfall here is that he's not playing mind games at all. And it was just coincidence, or he really is a vampire. In which case, I should think about this before I start acting like a girl he'll fall in love with. Do I want that? I think so. Haha.
Still, give me ideas.

Merry Christmas Charlie Brown

Can't you hear my blood screaming for you to come back?
Can't you feel the infinite amount of love coming from all that is good?

I love you. And it's not just me. You have so many people rooting for you, begging you, waiting on you indefinitely to realize that you want to come back. To realize the power you have for either side. You are an asset. You are an indispensable asset to God and the devil. That's why you're going to have to fight harder than the rest of us. You've had your run with the dark side, and seen the damage possible there. Now come see the contrast of the truth, it's dense joy.

Just make sure you're fighting. It's not acceptable for you to go on living in justification because you think you've done too much. That's garbage. You don't know any more now that you ever did. And you never stopped yourself then either. Stop now. There is NO legitimate reason for you not to. NONE.

I love you.
Your parents love you.
God loves you.

I invite you to go stand in the rain of all of this and see if anything else still matters.