18

My dear friend,

Kati Turner gave me this blank card to use for my own purposes several months ago, but I keep thinking it's too wonderful for me to mess up by writing something silly on it. But I don't think anything is too wonderful for you, so maybe if I send it to you it will be okay even though I will probably mess it up.

I'm feeling very sentimental tonight. I feel familiar, like I did when I was 18. I've been rereading my own journals and realizing how silly I was, how 18 is actually so different from 22. Well I read an old love letter and felt like I never realized how beautiful it was until tonight, 4 years later... I read it and remembered the girl that the 18 year old boy had written this letter to, how she was aloof and joyful and full of love, but also full of freedom. And I remembered what she thought of the letter when she got it; it was nice. She thought this boy was very passionate and liked him very much and appreciated that he tried to be poetic for her. But tonight I read it, and I am 22 now, I realized, whereas I only had half an idea before, that I had once been loved by a boy the way boys love girls in the movies. And it was so beautiful and nice to know that.

I had an idea come to mind like our imaginary, other-realm hill. It went like this: Do you remember when we were 18 and we spread what we thought were our wings and flew up into what we thought was the sky, ran straight into each other and fell back down again into what we thought was love? I do, and it was so wonderful.

And it all just makes me think, does it even matter if those things were real? Maybe it only matters that I  believed they were. Maybe believing is what makes life beautiful...

You are sorely missed,
Bee

An 18 year-old promise is worth a 22 year-old maybe.

The Next Exit

I push my heavy hair around on my head,
but the wind manages to pull a few strands
across my face. I look through them
at you. You, who are so mean to everyone else
except me, whose fuse is one inch long
and burnt out a few seconds ago
for the slow driver in front of us,
but is miles and miles for me.
You get around that driver and
turn right again. And every time we do
I'm thrown into your side,
which is hard, and never moves at all.
I think to myself that we take more
right turns than are probably necessary
as I fall into you
again and again and again...

You grin and scoop your arm around
me every time and I begin to realize:
I deserve to love just once
a man with big biceps covered in
half-sleeves and a comb in his back pocket
with a photo of me and a pack of something
to smoke and grease in his hair and wind
burning my face
speeding down the road
and around corners
and get my heart broken, so broken
and have the pieces cleaned up
and put back together by a nice guy
in a white shirt
at least once in my life.

Natural November-- Off to a Great Start

I had a really nice weekend with the roomies. On Friday, I taught Kati Turner how to curl her hair. She felt so accomplished that she said, "Tonight, I have become a woman." Then, at like midnight, I lit every candle we own and turned out the lights and did yoga for an hour. 

On Saturday I went to a little cultural event called Diwali. It was a show celebration basically the "Indian Christmas". It was cool. Then the roomies and I went to Jeni's ice-cream, which means--according to Kati Turner-- achieved something known as the "Triple Crown", having gone to Ugly Mugs, Silly Goose, and Jeni's all in the same day. 

Today is Sunday. I went to an amazing Stake Conference where Elder D. Todd Christofferson spoke (AND I MET HIM) and afterward I was hungry. ( I will post more thoughts about the conference later.) I invited Jaymee over to make some avocado egg salad, which was fun and delicious. Kati Turner helped us make it and afterward we became nostalgic and started looking at the photos we took when we traveled to Florence together. It was wonderful. 

Then, without warning, Kati said we should go take photos around campus. I immediately agreed, and so we got up and went on a mission to do that. How have I not done this before? Vandyland is so photo-worthy. Anywho, away we all went, and with Katy Singh, grabbing the hipster glasses on the way out the door.

This was also super fun because last night Kati Turner told me about something she's doing called "Natural November". You know how young guys do that awful thing about not shaving? This is like the femme response to that, which I love. So today I decided I would start, even if a couple days late.

So photo shoot with no make-up... Yeah... Empowering.

Here are a few of the photos.

I love the beautiful things I get to live with (and Jaymee!).

Thursday Morning at Greek Row

Your lawn is full of the smell of day old alcohol
and the sun has come up over the grass by now
and the smell is growing bitter
you thought if it kept you alive
it should also work for yard
and while your thumbs stumbled
across your keyboard to wish me
something like a
good night,
I imagined you doing exactly
what you were in fact doing
and replied only to say
"You sure are lucky you met me so early in life."

Intern

My supervisor asks me if I went to a prep school.
No, I didn’t.

He went to Brophy Academy.

She asks me if my parents are attorneys.
No. They aren’t.

His parents are attorneys.

She asks us if we’re going to law school.
No, we won’t.

She can’t fathom it.

She asks me if I know Safron Foer or Greek Literature
And what my favorite pieces are.
I don’t know it well.

The other intern hates Cicero.

My supervisor says she is glad that we are all readers, at least.
As an unpaid intern, that’s good enough, it seems.

From Autumn to Stockholm

Dear Everybody,

I’m back from a weekend in Stockholm, and I came home to a quickly-ending study abroad experience. I don’t know how that happened. I sometimes feel like I am living in an alternate reality where time is warped because it feels like I jumped through 3 months in about one night of sleep. I go back and forth daily between being ready for the US again and a sporadic second wind sort of feeling that tells me I could keep running around here forever. The latter mood usually kicks in after I hear something about the Republican primaries in the US, which seem to be immune to time-warpiness and are obviously in an alternate reality of their own.

Stockholm was “fantastisk”! I am pretty sure I told you all that I was staying with a friend of one of my Danish friends. Well, that was a raving success. Really. Lina and her roommates Johanna and Noomi were so immediately and incredibly warm and open and friendly with Autumn and I that it felt like we were old friends. Lina insisted on picking us up from the airport and then we all went into the city together and had a mini-tour d’Stockholm given by Johanna, who is a native in love with her own city. It was so beautiful. It was every bit as charming and “hyggeligt” as Copenhagen, but with a clean, fresh, open feeling to it as well. Perhaps because of all of the water? Anyway, it was lovely.

Lina had also invited Autumn and I to a movie night with some of her friends at the LDS Institute building for Young Adults the night we got in. So we went! Meeting all of the people that were at the movie night (where we watched 17 Miracles) gave me the thought that traveling is about 3 things, mostly (at least for me): sightseeing, food, and meeting people. Actually I suppose that the first two combined with some other things could just as well be called culture. The point though is that it was great to meet so many Swedes. I was even more surprised that everyone we met there used whatever magic charm Swedes are apparently born with to make us feel like they loved us and knew us and couldn’t believe we were only staying 2 days. And they were so convincing that I am convinced they meant it, and at the same time, reciprocated the feeling of sheer dismay at the thought of leaving them so quickly.

Then there was the city itself, which we explored the next day.  Autumn sort of took the reins and planned an awesome day. We went to a Pippi Longstocking Museum. I wasn’t sure how that would go, but it was actually amazing. There were little blonde kids running around all over the places smelling like a foot and then there was a bookstore with all sort of magical books that made me want to be a smelly little 7 year old again too. I think we must have spent an hour and a half in the bookstore alone. We wrote postcards and read little sweet stories and it made me feel like retiring from society to go live in a treehouse.

Instead of moving into a treehouse or bungalow, we went to Skansen which is an open air museum made to look like Sweden hundreds of years ago. In fact, there were little bungalows here so naturally I felt like I had hit the jackpot. They also had Scandinavian animals like rams and goats and one stuck up cow that wouldn’t come out of its barn to say hello to us. We saw her though. She was quite a lovely.

Oh! I almost forgot about Swedish Design! Ooh lala. Autumn and I went to about 4 different Marimeko Stores which is actually a Finnish design store, although I bet that Stockholm has one of the larger stores. I mean who goes to Finland, you know? Haha… I don’t know what it is about Scandinavia but they really really do have great design here from textiles to furniture to architecture (Ikea, H&M… both Swedish). I love it.

I just realized I’ve been name dropping and never even told you about Autumn! She is a friend from California! I met her last summer and she just happens to be a big fan of Scandiland. So she visited! It was so great! I showed her around Copenhagen and we even did a few things I hadn’t done yet! For example, we went to Tivoli!! The world’s first theme park, basically. It was one of the inspirations for Disneyland. In fact, Disney tried to buy it some years ago but the Danes were so distraught at the thought of their beloved Tivoli falling into the hands of Americans that they instead sold it to a cigarette company. Seems odd, but I guess they just panicked... Anyway, it was great to have Autumn here! And I got to practice my tour-guide skills which is especially important this week, but I won’t tell you why until next week. I have to keep you all on your toes.

 

Lots o love
Brittany

oh crud!

Tonight, after a particularly wild game of crud at the Center, I was about to leave and there was a big group of people by the exit. I asked if I should go around and hug every single person goodbye, because that’s what a good Dane would do. So I was beginning to do this and I mindlessly approached Elder Larkin. He had just gotten a point, which is never a good thing in CRUD, so he was at a vulnerable moment. His vulnerability and our shared mindlessness resulted in me hugging him in front of EVERYONE. The senior missionaries and every Dane on this side of North Sea.

So embarrassing and funny. It was a complete accident. Since missionaries don’t hug people of the opposite sex and it’s a well-known fact it was really really embarrassing and stupid of me. As I was hugging him and he was beginning to hug me back I suddenly realized what was happening and I stopped and I’m pretty sure I shrieked or something.

The whole room burst into laughter. Including me and Elder Larkin. What on earth happened? We don’t know. It all happened so suddenly.

I’m slightly less embarrassed because Elder Larkin made the same careless mistake as I did. Otherwise it would have looked like me attacking him, still in front of the whole world. And that would have been just plain awkward, not funny.

So now I’ve hugged a missionary… whoops.

e-mail to family about spain and italy

Hi Darlings,

I've missed you.

I'm back in Copenhagen now. Just went on a 2 week adventure across the continent. I wrote in my journal every day and ended up filling it halfway up. So I think I will just type up some of the entries. Then you can remember it the way I remember it.

April 2, 2012 -- Geneva, Switzerland

It's the day of departure. Kati and I flew into Geneva for a connection flight to Madrid. We were supposed to be here for several hours, but now the layover has been extended because at some point this afternoon the French decided to go on strike. So now Kati and I are sitting in the airport looking out a giant window at what we think are the Alps. I can't believe we don't know how far the Alps go... Anyway, we're journaling, but the problem is that all we've done today is explored the airport...

Midnight...

EasyJet is on my last nerve. So are the French, haha. Kati and I are spending the night in the airport and hoping we can figure out where to go to take a train to Madrid tomorrow. It'll probably cost 200 Euro... But on the bright side, we are still in Europe. We WILL get to Spain somehow, and it would be awesome to train through France (even though I'm mad at every single one of it's inhabitants today). Kati is being awesome all the while, staying on the bright side of life and making the situation as pleasant as it could possibly be. As much as I'm complaining to you, journal, it's mostly for rhetorical effect. Kati and I are two solution-oriented gals right now. Finally, I have about 6 hours of free time with no phone and no internet, (i.e. no distractions). And I have a Book of Mormon and a lot of Swiss chocolate with me, so I'm considering taking the long-anticipated opportunity for a spiritual marathon. Goodnight.

(We ended up going to Barcelona for 5 days and cutting out Madrid because of logistical problems...)

SPAIN

April 5, 2012 -- Barcelona, Spain

This morning Kati and I went to Park Guell (a park designed by Gaudi, Barcelona's pride and joy of an architect). We went to our same fruit and vegetable stand that we've been frequenting daily and our "amigo" the store owner told us how to walk there in 20 minutes, so we did! We got there around 11:30 and hiked around the park that was once again phenomenal. We are obsessed with Gaudi.  The landscaping looked sort of like an ancient ruin in the middle of a rain-forest. We almost made it to see the famous mosaic benches there when it started pouring, also like a rain-forest. We've come to realize on day 3 of 5 that everyday between noon and 1:00pm it rains hard in Barcelona and then it's sunny for the rest of the day. Today we were completely soaked even with our rain coats and waterproof shoes.

So we went home, sadly, to dry. On the way back we bought two pastries each and ate them both on the spot in an attempt to console ourselves. It worked pretty well.

We got back to the hostel, where I tried to begin reading "El gran Gatsby" en espanol, but realized I'll need a dictionary to get through it. I took a nap instead. It was so nice. We walk around all day everyday and Barcelona is particularly hilly. In fact near our hostel there are parts that look like the world is warping like the movie inception because the streets are so steep. But up we go... Anyway, the nap was nice for this reason. I'm exhausted already. When I finally woke up, I saw that Kati had passed out while reading at some point too.

We got up and made some burritos in the hostel's kitchen before embarking to the city again to see Casa Batllo, another of Gaudi's creations. It's his underwater style house and it made me want to be a redheaded mermaid. They had a sign-in book at the house, which I stuck one of Justin Houston's heart tags in with a love note to Gaudi written on it.

April 7, 2012 -- Barcelona, Spain

Kati and I returned to Park Guell this morning and it was SUNNY! :D Sooo nice. The n we went to our last Barcelona Gaudi stop, Casa Mila. And then to a Botanical Garden where we soaked up some lovely sunshine and listened to reggae. Then, this evening we went to Spanish guitar concert to see Manuel Gonzalez. It was magical. The concert hall, Palau de la Musica Catalonia was mosaic tiled all over. It love mosaic so much after being here. Since my mom loves it too, I'm hoping it can become a shared project we work on together.

Everyday so far has been coldish &/or windy/rainy so Kati and I have dressed pretty blandly, but we've been itching to dress a day up. We took the chance tonight for the concert. I had a cute outfit, but I had intended to have bought some cute Spanish sandals by now to wear it with. No such luck. I wore my mega-dorky black Sketchers with a skirt and successfully ended up looking like a sister missionary. Oh me, oh life.

While listening to the fabulous Spanish guitar I was swept away by my own thoughts. I daydreamed about attending business school, then drifted into thinking about my lost passions like Invisible Children, then to Alex...

After the concert we had crepes in an adorable little restaurant that was playing Frank Sinatra. I was swept off my feet with no one there to love but good old Blue Eyes... So I read Kati my list of romantic things to do, which only made matters worse.

Life is intolerably beautiful, sometimes.

ITALY

April 8, 2012

The beginning of a very involved love affair with Rome? Kati and I are staying at Tiber Campsite about 15 minutes outside the city by metro. It's completely gorgeous and equipped with a market and restaurant. We ate at the restaurant tonight and each ordered our own pizza and gelato sampler. It. Was. Incredible. Every time I took a bite I thought, "Oh my goodness, things can't taste this good." But they do! And this is just our campsite's pizza. Mama Mia!

Also, I've seen several beautiful mean today already. What is this place? How can I only have 2 days here?

I'm already plotting ways to come back.

(I didn't have as much time to journal in Italy, but I saw the ancient ruins at the Roman Forum, the Vatican Museums, Uffizzi, and St. Peter's Basilica. The Sistine Chapel was as good as they say it is. Wow.)

I can't believe I just got to travel across Europe. I can't believe that yesterday I was in Venice sitting canal-side watching gondolas drift by in all their picturesque glory. I feel incredibly blessed.

Love you all.

As awesome as it is to be here, I cannot wait to see your faces again, wherever they may be.

Missing you,

Brittany

1990

Man driving a manual-powered time machine
through Copenhagen, on his way to 1990. That was the year
he had the option of working on a farm in Spain, or staying home
and hoping to fall in love. Spain was the safe option;
waiting was questionable.

I don’t know which option he chose, but now
he’s pedaling his time machine around
looking for that summer again. Does he want to go back
because it was too wonderful to live only once? Or
does he wish he had been either safer or more daring?

Did he marry the Danish girl
he was waiting for? Is that why
he’s still here?

In 1990 I was elsewhere. Either being
brought to life or preparing to be.  But
this is the year (2012)
I thought about working in Spain.
I just thought it was too safe, so
I decided to go home instead, where the dream
ending was not as certain, but several times more excellent.

Maybe I should take the man’s phone number
down, in case I made the wrong decision. Maybe
I should travel back to Spain with him
and cut the grass that was so green in 1990
and speak that beautiful language
and keep my dreams to myself.

But what is all of Spain compared to love?

Brussels

There are few weeks of my life that whose greatness can compete with the one I just spent in Belgium. Already, when I think back to it, I become jealous of myself. And I don't want to forget it. It was incredible.

I went with the 35 students at the Danish Institute for Study Abroad that share my core class, the European Union. They were so dang great, and I'm glad they were stuck in my vicinity for a week. We all had different lifestyles, beliefs, and quirks. If you know those jokes that begin with "A Priest, a Princess, and the town drunk walk into a bar..." that's about how dissimilar we appeared to be at first glance. And second glance. Maybe even up until now. And several times we did all walk into a bar together, ironically. That's right, we're a joke.

I want to tell you about a few of the people I spent most of my time with. There was Claire, who was the group mom and who, if she had a spirit-animal would absolutely be a hen. I don't even know what that means, but she suggested it to me and I found it an apt description. Then there was Matt, a super nice gay guy who bears a striking resemblance to the actor that plays spider man. Samantha, whose level of bluntness is only comparable to her own obliviousness to reality. For the first few days, I couldn't figure out if she had a mild, albeit fantastic social disorder. Finally, there was Ian. Ian, the New Jersey Italian, a real live-fast-die-hard type who drank whiskey with lunch, and who, to his own surprise, found himself enjoying the company of some Mormon girl. He also had anger-management issues, maybe. 

We had such amazing group chemistry, we were sort of like a social version of alchemy. We all fell in love with each other before long, except Ian who couldn't decide whether he loved or hated Samantha. It was love; he was just confused.

Little by little, my classmates found out that I was LDS in one way or another. Ian, I told after sitting with him for an hour at a group lunch. I told him that I was a Mormon convert, and he responded by chuckling and saying, "No, you're not... Wait, really?"  I told Matt and Samantha the same night as well. We were just skirting around the conversation so I told them what I believed. They both proceeded to conduct a thorough interview after that, which lasted about an hour, one question after another. Somehow we ended up having an awesome conversation afterward, which lasted all of dinner and beyond. Ian sat at our table for dinner that night as well. From that night on, Matt made me the unofficial dinner discussion leader of mealtimes. It was so edifying that I'm pretty sure we all left every meal feeling like we understood ourselves and the world a little better.

But our talks were more than that. They were some of the most fun I've ever had, and I think they were for the others too. Even Ian would rather come out with us to get waffles and ice-cream and only end up at a bar after the sober group had exhausted all of their evening plans. We were just so dang silly.

We went to one Mom and Pop waffle restaurant in particular, and it was hysterical. Sam no sooner sat down with us than decided to leave to find a Haagen-Dazs waffle. When she didn't come back for 20 minutes, we figured we had lost her to the night, but she came back finally after half an hour with a waffle and a bag full of souvenirs. We tried to explain to her that it was shameful to bring a Haagen Dazs waffle into the restaurant, but the advice fell on deaf ears. Presently, a man at a table behind me spilled something and the waiter came by to wipe it up, but when I turned to see this happening, it sort of looked like the waiter was shining a customer's shoes.

"Wow, they shine shoes here!" I joked.
Sam turned to the waiter and asked him how much he charged. We all laughed, then realized that Samantha hadn't caught that I was joking. Also, she was wearing converse sneakers, so I don't know what she was planning on getting shined. Meanwhile, Ian kept asking all of us if we were going to get drunk tonight. We ignored him, except once or twice to say, "Yeah, are you going to stay in and read the Bible all night." Or, "Yeah, I'll get drunk when you start believing in Jesus." Ian is Jewish, so I was off the hook.

One day on study tour I was walking with Ian when I casually mentioned his anger problems to him. "What are you talking about?" he responded.
"Yeah you know, you curse everything, are angry all the time, etc."
"No I effing don't."
"Well, all I was going to say is that it's okay. It's going to be alright. You met me early enough in life that you can still bounce back and probably have a decent life."
"Oh, good," he said (or something like that).

The last night of our last night the group stayed in a hotel in the Hague. I remember this part in little images in my head. There's an image of my on a dolly flying down a Dutch hallway in full Titanic posture. There's an image of me pushing someone else doing the same thing. And lights and funny streets and an Asian restaurant.

I remember that Claire and I were rooming together that night. While we were getting all settled and readying ourselves for bed, people started coming to visit us. Matt, Keanu Reeves (Brett), Mary-the-sweet-and-Catholic. It started with Mary and Matt. I had been collecting euro-pennies because I had some idea about making them into jewelry when I got back to the states. They were the most darling little coins. I had been asking around to see if anyone would donate to my cause and even offered to do a dance to celebrate any donations to the euro-penny fund.

My victory dance was me rolling around on the the bed and plowing over Mary, who had also been sitting on the bed and exclaiming unintelligible things about my excitement. I though I might kill Mary by accident because she is the tiniest frailest looking human you could ever imagine, but the rolling and flailing couldn't be stopped. I remember the look of horror on Mary's face when she realized this. And after I rolled over her once how I saw her again and she was laughing.

When Matt came over, he sat down on the bed before also contributing to the fund. So naturally, I rolled over him a few times too. We sat around and talked and looked out the window completely thirsty for everything and felt nostalgic for the place we were rather than the places we've been, when Brett came over. He too, gave me a few euro-pennies.

The group told me that I reminded them of Kristen Gwinn. I thought that was an honor.