Who am I? What do I want? Where am I going and what are my demands on life? What makes me tick?
I am trying. Trying, trying. So many things. And trying to perfect myself. I want to be the best version of Brittany that could ever be possible. I want to happen to life; I don't want life to happen to me. I don't want to wake up every morning and just live because it's required or because that's what people do when they're awake. I want to have a reason! I want to know exactly exactly exactly why I'm walking to class or work or wherever. Because I want to. Because my insides point there. Because that's where I'd go if I knew everything. I want to believe that. That I'm going to the right places and pushing forward in purpose. I want to do everyday whatever it is God wants me to do.
"[I] believe in being in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men. Indeed [I] may say that I follow the admonition of Paul. [I] believe all things, [I] hope all things, [I] have endured many things, and [I] hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, [I] seek after these things."
What do I demand from life? Everything. I want life's life. I want us to be in a committed relationship constantly doing everything we each can to enhance each other. I want to be romantically involved with my life. I demand romance. Forever. When I'm alone, when I'm silently walking around, I want to always know exactly what color the sky is, no matter my hurry. And when I get married some day. I want to be two whole people that are not just madly in love with each other, but with everything they discover.
I want to leave this world in better shape than it began in. I want to always forever be a poet. I want to forever be learning and learning about everything. I want to be a manufacturer of hope.
And I will have what I want. Because these are things that can't be taken from me. No one can pull the sky down, or the flowers out, or put the butterflies away. No one can rob me of the option of taking a picnic. No one can take away the way my eyes see or the way my soul feels. And that is a beautiful security.
I want to happen to life; I don't want life to happen to me.
ReplyDeleteYou have a way of picking me up with your words when I least expect them to. I don't know how to explain it. All I do know is that I have been having such an off night, but I come home and read your words, really see your words, and suddenly that void that I've been overly-sensitive about all night... is gone.
Those last few sentences.. wow. I told Keri last night, I wasn't in the right mindset to fully appreciate what you wrote and decided to return to it today. But if I had really read the part about no one can pull the sky down, I feel like I wouldn't have been so out of it last night because I would have realized that I've been uprooting the flowers and tearing the sky down myself. You kids really help me sometimes, just by saying the simplest things in the most poetic ways. I love it! :D
ReplyDeleteIt feels really very lucky to be able to help people who are often times more magnificent than I am.
ReplyDeleteThe thirteenth article of faith with [I] substituted in was a neat thing that I just had never thought of before... :)I love reading what you write. I'm glad I'm not the only one.
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